IF you reflect on a high-stakes situation you might have been in when outcomes were unclear, you will probably notice that it was a crucial conversation you successfully negotiated that was the linchpin to ensuring success.
High quality, skilful conversations are the tools of talking that make it safe for people to discuss almost anything. Engaging well with a crucial conversation makes it possible for people to be persuasive but not abrasive, continue to listen when others blow up or clam up, and turn the conversation into the actions and results they want.
Ineffective conversations almost always result in polarised opinions and emotions running high. In heated discussions there are three typical types of responses:
• digressing into threats and name-calling (a form of violence in which people engage in labelling, controlling and attacking);
• reverting to silent fuming (a form of silence in which people engage in masking, avoiding and withdrawing); and
• speaking openly, honestly and effectively.
Importantly, effective conversations are not just about being candid and open. There are steps to master in order to monitor both the content and the conditions of the conversations. A prerequisite for people to share information, thoughts and feelings openly and honestly is establishing an environment where they feel safe to do so. Violence or silence are reactions to perceived threats and indicate the presence of fear. Outbreaks of stressed behaviour like finger-pointing, anger, or a raspy throat suggesting suppressed emotion must be dealt with so that a sense of safety within the conversation can be re-established.
Other steps in the process of conducting a crucial conversation are included below.
• Be aware of your motives – make sure your intentions are positive.
• Learn to observe both your own and others’ responses.
• Watch for cues – old stimuli generate old responses.
• Be aware of your own level of authenticity – are you really being open, talking about the real issue, confidently expressing your own views?
• Actively explore others’ views, ask questions.
• Notice if you are avoiding disagreement.
• Find mutually agreed action that you both will be committed to.
Research by Hewitt’s involving 150 Australian companies – representing 250,000 employees and survey responses collected from 40,000 employees – reveals that conversations (both formal and informal) on an ongoing basis are crucial tools for assisting people to engage constructively and effectively with their work. There are three behaviours that show high levels of engagement in individuals and teams. People will:
• speak positively about the organisation to co-workers, potential employees and customers;
• stay because of an intense desire to be a part of the organisation; or
• strive to exert extra effort to contribute to business success.
These behaviours are the outcome of constructive, effective interactions with others. Whether the focus is performance management, engagement, recruiting the right person for the right job, coaching a high performer to go to the next level, or even closing a deal, effective conversations involve mastering a talent for dialogue.
Dialogue is the free flow of meaning between two or more people. People who are able to ask the right questions facilitate others getting all relevant information out in the open. This in turn makes it safe for everyone to share meaningful information, thoughts and even ideas that might initially raise eyebrows and challenge accepted norms. As this ‘pool of shared meaning’ and accurate, relevant information grows people are better equipped to make better quality decisions.
Sometimes people come out of a performance conversation feeling under-appreciated, under-valued and a bit like an object that has been squashed. Usually the intention of the manager is to motivate the team member to achieve results but the outcome is just the opposite. Ongoing, honest conversations are even more important than formal performance conversations once a year.
The importance of CEOs and managers ‘walking the floor’ and talking to people, discussing their work, asking their opinion, recognising effort and good work cannot be overstated. The skills for having effective performance conversations are not just the domain and responsibility of managers, but of everyone.