A LOT has been written about emotional intelligence since the term was popularised by Daniel Goleman in his international best-selling book Emotional Intelligence, which erupted into the corporate world in 1995. Yet, despite a volume of research and discussion, the source of EI is still widely misunderstood.
What is EI? Goleman’s definition includes factors such as self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management. EI capabilities have been articulated as ‘performs well under pressure’, ‘sets very high standards for him/herself and the team’, ‘makes the most of his or her ability always giving 100 per cent’, and ‘a good team player’. EI is about assessing yourself and regulating and controlling your emotional reactions in social settings. Extensive research comparing high and average performers suggests that high performers rate 90 per cent higher in EI factors.
Emotions are the body’s reaction to our thinking. Any attempt to simply control emotions will have little impact on our level of emotional intelligence. We might succeed in suppressing our anger, for example, but without reflecting on the source of the anger it might continue to cause us grief in the form of bouts of depression. Over time this will also wreak havoc on our physical health. EI is not about ironing out our emotional expression or intellectualising the emotions we experience; the real challenge and benefit of developing emotional intelligence is much more significant than this. To become adept at regulating our emotional wellbeing we have to explore our thinking.
What is it that causes a person to want to be seen as being right, as results-oriented, as influential or as worthy? What causes senior managers or ‘alpha males and females’ to be aggressive and uncaring towards operational staff? Why does a manager make changes without asking anyone’s opinion? We do not have to look far to see that negative behaviour is intimately linked to a person’s self-image, the mental projections of our identity that keep us safe and create a sense of who we are. This self-image has been acquired through upbringing, parents, friends, the culture to which we belong, and everything we have experienced to date. In our mind we cling to these projections tooth and nail (I am strong/weak, I am a woman/man, I am a winner/loser and so on) and when something or someone challenges them it can trigger fear and emotional reactions in us, sometimes violently.
Warren Bennis, author of On Becoming a Leader, says: “Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It is precisely that simple and it is also that difficult”. What makes it difficult is that we mistake our self-image for our real self. In doing so we inadvertently create a lot of self-inflicted problems. Not only that, maintaining a self-image takes energy and at some level we know it is not real, so carry around a fear of being exposed. It is this underlying fear that ignites aggression and defensiveness.
In the work environment, having experiences that break your heart wide open can be a prompt to ask yourself questions: What will I do with this difficulty within me? What to do with the emotions – the pain, the anger, the disappointment?
The challenge you face is this: will you use this experience as an excuse to give your self-image (and the external world) even more of a hold on you, or can you release the external control the situation is imposing on you by letting go of the emotion surrounding the situation? Letting go of heavy, negative emotions such as anger, bitterness and resentment is not about ‘letting the prisoners go free’, but about freeing yourself of the toxic emotional stress levels.
Consciously choosing to let go of destructive emotions in no way diminishes you. On the contrary, it frees you to experience renewed self esteem, self confidence, self respect, self discipline, ambition and the ability to generate authentic action. This liberation from negative emotions builds capability to handle the crisis and courage to take risks. It expands your generosity, ethics and strength of character, none of which can ever be taken away from you.
Conscious leaders know a profound truth – only by becoming nothing do you really become something. This is the learned skill of emotional intelligence.